My experience in a Christian support group

Yeah, it still surprises even me that I can write that as a blog title.

I was tired of driving so far for my kids to play with other kids. It really annoyed me that "friends" in our homeschool group would not venture out more than 15 minutes away; that we are always the ones who had to travel the 30 minutes to them. It was frustrating that the group founder would not change the day of playgroup to accommodate us despite the fact that we were one of the four families that always showed up and that we had been part of the group from the start, and instead accepted our absence (to participate in a preexisting co-op) with seeming indifference.

The co-op was too good to not try so we were basically friendless again. Then I read about a support group that met on Fridays (a day we could go) just 15 minutes away! I immediately emailed the woman who posted the info to the statewide yahoo group, and we corresponded a few times until finally I wrote:

"I was raised Catholic, but no longer practice. So we'd prefer a group which does not gather based on a shared faith", and was replied to with this: "I'm sorry C, the St. Anthony group is probably not the group for you. You are welcome to join us at New Life Church as we are not affiliated with any particular religion."

At this point I realize I was wrong in assuming that she meant the group was secular, but perhaps she could have done a better good job conveying that although they were not affiliated with any particular religion, they were in fact, all Christian, and did actually "gather based on a shared faith". But back then I had no idea what I was getting into.

The first day we arrived at the church my kids were thrilled to find at least 50 other kids. They were having a sports day with games, and both boys, although shy that first day, did have a good time and wanted to go back. But I should've known something was up when a woman who was directing the children just about hyperventilated when I wouldn't tell her my last name because I prefer everyone call me by my first. And I guess the prayer at the end of the meeting was a good indication of what was to come, as well.

The boys and I talked it over and decided we could be respectful of their prayers without having to believe in what we were doing, and participated in a hay ride with our new friends the next week. It was then that the boys started clicking with a couple of others. So I paid my $20 membership fee and hoped for the best.

Then along came First Lego League. My 11-year-old got an invitation to participate in it with some people we had met through some nature classes and we jumped on it; FLL is something I had really wanted to get him involved with, but didn't know how. Unfortunately though, it meant missing several Fridays of our new playgroup until after the tournament. I wrote to the president of the group and let her know, but didn't hear back from her.

I received an email explaining all the activities that were planned for over the next few months. There were a couple of things I didn't want my kids to participate in though. One was current events, since I was concerned about the context in which it would be presented, and the other was Keepers of the Faith. This is an excerpt of how it was explained in a separate email:

The purpose of the program is to:

• Build character in their children
• Teach practical skills
• Rear children who walk with Christ
• Establish lasting family ties
• Strengthen their home school curriculum
• Create true quality time with their children
• Make the Scriptures a real part of their children’s lives
• Teach children how to serve others

We, as a homeschool group, are utilizing this program, and the structure it provides, to teach our children many different things. In a way, it is similar to the Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, in that as the child is taught and shows competency in different skills or areas of knowledge, and various requirements are met, they are able to earn a badge as an award for their work. The "badges" are actually metal pins (no sewing, Mom) that can be clasped to a sash, banner, or hat - very nice looking and of an excellent quality. Last year the kids made personalized banners to mount their growing collections.

But what really got me is this part:

Each boy will need "the Contenders for the Faith handbook for boys, ages 7 through 14, to equip them to become godly men and competent providers for their future families. The handbook is unquestionably an excellent skill-builder. The boys will learn how to handle finances, do home maintenance, and develop skills in leadership. Plus, extensive Bible reading, memory work, and Bible study are included to aid them in developing good habits in their own walk with God. Whether your son is a member of a club or uses it as part of his home education, it is an absolute Christian character-builder!"

Each girl will need "the Keepers at Home handbook for young ladies which is perfect for girls 7 through 16. The handbook is crammed full of information to teach and prepare girls to become godly, competent keepers of the home, Christian wives, and mothers. It not only includes extensive skills for practical living and creative handiwork, but provides for spiritual growth as well with a variety of Bible reading and memory work, and even a study on Proverbs 31. Whether your daughter is a member of a club or uses it as part of her home education, it is an absolute character-builder! No future homemaker should be without it!"

This is when I realized that this group was not a good fit for us, and we wouldn't be returning after First Lego League was done. Then I got this email:

Due to the phenomenal growth in [our group] this year, a decision has been made to close membership. Anyone inquiring about membership from now on will be placed on a waiting list. Further, everyone currently involved with FAITH needs to realize that membership requires a commitment to attend most activities and meetings. It is understood that everyone will miss some events but this is not a group where attendance is on an "as convenient" schedule. If you can not attend regularly, you may be placed on the waiting list until such time as your schedule permits regular attendance. This will allow those who are prepared to commit to the group to be active and allow those with schedule conflicts to complete their other activities.

This was good news because it meant I could get my 20 bucks back!

I have to say that there is definitely a part of me that is saddened by the fact that Christian homeschoolers segregate themselves, but I suppose it becomes necessary, as their religion is such a huge part of who they are that it oozes into every aspect of their being. (Kind of like a fag I was friends with back in NY; he oozed his sexuality to the point that I didn't even want to be with him anymore.)

These folks are such truly nice people, and there are some of us out here on the outside of the bubble who try to put that out there, but can't find enough people to reflect it back. It's so unfortunate that many Christians are incapable of bringing their goodness to others without bringing their god into it. Some of us appreciate the intrinsic value of being good, and don't feel religion should be part of that; be good just to be good.

I will miss this group immensely, but learned a lot from this experience. The most important thing is for us to stay true to who we are.

And keep looking for the goodness in secular groups.

A knock on my door today...

from a Jehovah's Witness. Oh, the irony!

I get frustrated, but I still choose tolerance.

Anti-gay Christians

I am on a homeschooling yahoo group here in Connecticut, which has almost 600 members. It is mostly used for people to post activities that other homeschoolers might be interested in, with a smattering of threads about curriculum and educational philosophy.

Well today, someone listed this:

I’m pleased to forward information below about the 15th annual True Colors conference, coming up next Friday and Saturday, March 14 & 15, 2008 (there’s also a Pre-Conference Professional Institute on Thursday, March 13). True Colors organizes the largest sexual/gender minority (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or GLBT) youth issues conference in the nation, with over 3,000 attendees expected in 2008.

The theme this year is “A Global Perspective”, and there will be over 150 workshops and activities for youth/parents as well as professional audiences (educators, clinicians, etc.). Hosted this year by UCONN/Storrs, the conference is co-sponsored by many of the University’s schools and cultural centers, along with the State of Connecticut, American Academy of Pediatrics, and many other organizations.

*HOMESCHOOLING PARENTS* who are not requesting CEUs are eligible to ATTEND FRIDAY and/or SATURDAY at YOUTH RATES--homeschooling youth are already eligible for youth rates, of course (in addition to being the mother of a homeschooled child, my partner Robin McHaelen is also the Executive Director of True Colors)! :o) Just indicate when you register that you are a homeschooling parent requesting the youth rate.

True Colors’ Mission: “True Colors works to create a world where youth, adults and families of all sexual orientations and gender identities are valued and affirmed. We challenge all forms of oppression through education, training, advocacy, youth leadership development, mentoring and direct services to youth and those responsible for their well-being.”

For information on conference rates, registration, presenters, workshops, activities, etc., go to www.OurTrueColors.org.

And one of the group members responded with this:

Is this some sort of joke? I sincerely hope so. This is one of the bigger reasons I pulled my kids out of school, to keep them away from the sick minded warped main stream population. Gross!!! Why would anyone want to bring their family anywhere near that kind of influence.

Niki in CT

despite the fact that the group guidelines specifically state (among other things):

• If a post doesn’t pertain to you, just hit delete!
  
• We do not wish to engage in heated debates. Stating your opinion on a topic is fine, as long as it is respectful and considerate of the other members...
  

Well, despite the fact that I am not willing to spend the time looking through all the archives of things she's written to confirm this, I feel comfortable guessing that this Niki is a Christian, because this kind of language is really consistent with too many other Christian homeschoolers I've met. I have not spoken out strongly against Christians because I hate to alienate some of my readers, but enough already!

I've been listening to these podcasts, which actually started out on YouTube by a guy named Pat Condell. As an atheist, he's been giving me a lot of food for thought. Just this morning I listened to this:


Well I have to admit that I'm starting to actually agree with him. I'm tired of pious people (starting with family members). They are infiltrating our entire government and way of living, and they are about the most unkind and prejudiced people I meet. It's time to stop putting up with them, because they do not make any effort to get along with non-Christians!

Just the other night I went to a homeschool meeting and someone there said something along the lines of having problems with the principal of her local school being gay. Well, not wanting to cause a ruckus, I did not comment on it, but you know, I'm starting to really feel like I need to start calling moral bigots moral bigots, right to their faces.

This is all so tiresome. Even Gandhi wrote: "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

I didn't answer Niki's post, despite my desire to, because the list owners did address this hatred (despite being Christian themselves) and asked that the conversation discontinue. And it did mostly, until a gay woman responded eloquently and without malice.

I wrote what I hope was a supportive email to her off-list, but was very happy to see someone defy the wishes of the moderators and post a supportive response. An excerpt:

It is actually people like her [Niki] in my opinion that cause outsiders to say we should not homeschool our kids unless we are educated.

I have told myself to ignore everything from this poster because she writes like a little girl responding with a knee jerk response- not caring about what comes out of her mouth.

I have never met her, never want to, but this is not the first post that I have found offensive.

Had to write you. Try to breathe deep and know that many of us were offended by her comments...and we are accepting of all forms/types of families...well, that is not true, personally I have a very difficult time accepting families that promote inacceptance.

I didn't want to alienate myself, so I wrote to the gay woman off-list. Next time I will have the courage to do it on-list.

10 Favorite Quotes...on religion

The United States of America should have a foundation free from the influence of clergy.
...............George Washington


Question with boldness even the existance of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
...............Thomas Jefferson


The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.
...............Benjamin Franklin


A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
...............Albert Einstein


So long as the universe had a beginning, we could suppose it had a creator. But if the universe is completely self-contained, having no boundary or edge, it would neither be created nor destroyed it would simply be. What place, then, for a creator?
...............Stephen Hawking


Religion is comparable to a childhood neurosis.
...............Sigmund Freud


I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
...............Mahatma Gandhi


The first requisite for the happiness of the people is the abolition of religion.
...............Karl Marx


Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet.
...............Napoleon Bonaparte


God made me an atheist. Who are you to question his wisdom?
...............Unknown

56th National Day of Prayer

I learned about the National Day of Prayer through a little blurb in my local newspaper last week. My town actually had an "event", which took place "at noon in the Council Chambers at Cheshire Town Hall. The theme this year is 'America Unite in Prayer".

Well to say I was surprised to read this is putting it mildly. So I did a Google search, since it was labeled as "national", and found an entire website dedicated to it. A scan of the "About Us" page had some interesting information:

Who We Are

We are the Judeo-Christian expression of the National Day of Prayer which was established in 1952 by a joint resolution of the United States Congress and signed into law by President Harry S. Truman.

What We Do

The National Day of Prayer Task Force exists to communicate with every individual the need for personal repentance and prayer, mobilizing the Christian community to intercede for America and its leadership.

"To intercede for America and its leadership?" The word intercede surprised me in this usage, so to be sure I was understanding it correctly I looked it up:

in·ter·cede:
1. to act or interpose in behalf of someone in difficulty or trouble, as by pleading or petition.
2. to attempt to reconcile differences between two people or groups; mediate.

Yeah, I am understanding it correctly, and not liking it at all.

What is it about this country's inability to follow it's own rules about the separation of church and state? I watched a movie called Does Europe Hate Us? and one of the things they do laugh at us about is our inability to do just that. It is becoming incredibly annoying to me.

But I wonder, would it be as annoying to me if I myself believed in God?

A couple of years ago, Newsweek had a terrific article on its My Turn page. I looked all over and tried to find a link to post here, but with no luck. The article was about how people can't deal with atheism. Every religion dictates a tolerance for other religions, but most people I have spoken to can't deal with no religion.

Years ago I was part of a playgroup where one of the moms was a Mormon. She was a lovely woman who I enjoyed spending time with, and was actually the person who introduced me to the idea of homeschooling. Although supercilious statements like "Catholics believe...Mormons know..." popped up too much to be missed, she was otherwise very accepting of the other women in the group of different religions, but she was on a constant quest to help me define mine. She just could not deal with the fact that I did not identify with some religious group, and even found a website where I could take a test to help. Since I refused to take it, she actually took it for me, and stopped harassing me once she could label me as being most closely aligned with Buddhism. (I have recently taken it myself and find that I am evenly matched between Buddhism and Paganism.)

An article on the Newsweek website states:
In a recent [2006] NEWSWEEK Poll, Americans said they believed in God by a margin of 92 to 6—only 2 percent answered "don't know"—and only 37 percent said they'd be willing to vote for an atheist for president.

Of course this is exactly why so many people have such issues of acceptance when it come to people who do not believe in God; comparatively speaking there are so few of us. But to actually not vote for someone because of a lack of religion?

Perhaps it is this intolerance which makes me increasingly intolerant of the state of affairs in our government. Yes, I believe that "under God" should be removed from the Pledge of Allegiance. Yes, I believe that "In God We Trust" should be removed from our money. I believe that placing one's hand on the bible to swear in a court of law is ridiculous, and I believe that moments of silence in schools should be banned. Because all of this assumes a belief in God.

Freedom of religion means all religions. And it should also mean no religion.

Freedom of religion means all religions

Today this article made it's way into my mailbox.

Excerpts:
"The Wiccan pentacle has been added to the list of emblems allowed in national cemeteries and on government-issued headstones of fallen soldiers...This settlement has forced the Bush Administration into acknowledging that there are no second class religions in America..Wicca is a nature-based religion based on respect for the earth, nature and the cycle of the seasons. Variations of the pentacle not accepted by Wiccans have been used in horror movies as a sign of the devil...."

It made me very happy to read this, as many of my friends are Wiccan and Pagan, and it's always been frustrating for them to be viewed as devil worshipers. Even members of my own extended family have raised their eyebrows when I've taken out my tarot cards to do a reading for someone, and that is not even connected to any religion! They just assumed that tarot cards = paganism = the devil.

I have read several books on Wicca, and it is a religion same as any other. Wiccans honor a deity and try to be good people. The main difference that I have found is that they actively try to be good people; they don't just talk about it. They believe in karma, and even more, that what we put out there returns to us threefold. And I have found this to be a better incentive than any threat of hell or chance of heaven. Just be a good person, because if you put good energy out there, it will come back to you. If you act like an idiot, you surround yourself with negative energy and that is what you attract. Simple.

The reason I am not myself Wiccan, is because I don't believe in a deity, and I have a problem with dogma. And what I have read leads me to believe that, like every other religion, Wicca has dogma. (Twelve years of Catholic school turned me way off to dogma.)

It's unfortunate that people have not taken the time to learn more about this religion. There are terrific books on the subject, one even being written specifically for "outsiders" (family and friends of those who practice) to begin to understand it:



There are way more Wiccans and Pagans out there than you probably think. I only wish it were included in books for children. For example, this book, which we own:



covers Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Confucianism, Taoism, Shintoism, Jainism, Sikhism, Zoroastrianism, and Islam. It's a good book; it covers a lot (although Christianity and Judaism get lots more pages than the others). But notice anything missing? Where's the Wicca? Where's the Paganism? Honestly, here in the US you are far more likely to meet a Pagan than a Zoroastrians, I would think. It just annoys me that they are overlooked. (You know what else is annoying? Every single one of these religions is showing up in blogger's spellcheck EXCEPT FOR WICCA!)

I think it is because so many Christians feel threatened by it. So many Christian holidays have intertwined themselves with pagan holidays, that Christians, whose numbers are far greater than most other religions in this country, are afraid that they will debase their own religion by acknowledging these others.

It is so unfortunate, because if people could just put aside their fears, and learn about the real deal, they might be pleasantly surprised.

More on my own religion another time (like perhaps on "National Prayer Day").